Perchance to Dream
by sanitized4protection
Summary: The life and dreams of Ezra Standish - a mood piece. Warning: slash. Ezra Standish/Nathan Jackson, Ezra Standish/OMC.


When Ezra was born his mother watched him as he slept. He was sweet and precious and smelled like innocence. She kissed his forehead tenderly, almost reverently. Ezra's eyes fluttered in his sleep. His mother wondered what on earth such an itty bitty baby could be dreaming about.

She hadn't known that it was possible to love anyone as she loved the little bundle that she cradled in her arms. This frightened her. She had no husband to protect and care for them. She wanted to do what was best for her son. They needed money to survive. Cold hard cash was the only reliable thing in this world. People lied. God had his own plan. Ideals were for suckers. But money bought you freedom.

She vowed that Ezra would be free.

When Ezra was five he used to pretend he had a home. He dreamed that he lived in a great castle by the sea. He used to imagine to himself that he had a father and his mother was there, too. She was always there. She never left. She only cared for him. His parents lavished him generously with praise and gifts and the entire world revolved around him. They bought him a puppy and he owned an exotic and beautiful slave from the Far East who indulged his every whim and loved him almost as much as his mother did.

He used to think about this dream at night, when he lay in bed next to his cousin Robert or at dinner as he shoved his green vegetables from one end of the plate to the other and his Uncle Thomas would advise him to eat all his vegetables if he wanted to grow up strong like Thomas, Jr. But Ezra didn't much want to be like Thomas, Jr. He was big and mean and he punched Ezra when no one else was looking.

He didn't mind so much his older cousins even if they made fun of him as a "poor 'lation". Ezra didn't really know what it meant. He just knew it was bad. At least Robert used to play soldiers with him. When the weather was nice they would all go down by the creek and play in the water. Aunt Josephine and Uncle Thomas would send old Pete down to look after him. They informed the children that he wasn't good for much else.

Ezra began to pretend that old Pete was his exotic slave from the Far East. It took a lot of imagining for Ezra to think of Pete as the slave in his dreams, because Pete was old and ugly. His skin was dark and cracking and he was missing half his teeth. Ezra liked playing the game anyway. He ordered the old slave around imperiously. Pete just laughed and shook his head. The old man would reach down and tousle the boy's hair. Ezra smiled happily. He liked old Pete.

The day his mother came to fetch him, she drove up in an expensive carriage with a liveried footman who helped her down. Her perfume was sweet and heady as she bent down and kissed Ezra on each cheek. She gave him a bag of caramels and a little toy soldier. It was almost like his dream. Ezra didn't think he'd miss his cousins, but he cried a little when old Pete ruffled his hair. Still, he was glad to leave. He imagined that his mother was taking him away to the castle by the sea. He fell asleep in the carriage with a smile on his face.

When Ezra was nine he was staying with his old maiden aunt. She lived in a run-down cottage that was over run by her collection of porcelain bird figurines and several mewling cats. She smelled funny and walked with a hop-like limp, the small spectacles perched atop her aquiline nose could not obscure her bulging green eyes. Ezra thought she looked like a frog. By the time he lived with Aunt Mary, Ezra's fantasies had changed.

Now in his imagination he always ended up with some tragic fatal illness. His mother would arrive only in time to witness his death. He would die beautifully with an angelic smile on his face and his mother would sob and weep and beat her breast. She would suffer horribly for how she had wronged him. In her guilt she would join a nunnery, living an austere life. She died shortly thereafter of a broken heart and they were reunited in heaven where she would beg for his forgiveness.

Ezra liked to think about his tragic death but other times he dreamed of running away from his Aunt's dilapidated little house and joining the circus. This idea came to him after P.T. Barnum's Grand Traveling Museum, Menagerie, Caravan, and Circus came to town. Ezra had stolen a quarter from his Aunt Mary's glass beaded purse, so he could get in to see all the curiosities and oddities. The circus freaks were fascinating, but he liked the wild animals best.

It was then that Ezra began to dream that he would run off to join P.T. Barnum's traveling circus. He would travel all across the country and he would care for all the strange exotic animals. Once the animals were in his charge, he would discover his ability to talk to and control them. The tigers, elephants and lions would all do his bidding. For a long time no one would know of his special powers. He kept it a secret.

When Ezra was twelve he liked to sneak away at night to the nearest gambling hall or tavern. He smoked tobacco and he even tried drink if he thought he wouldn't get caught. An old fellow who took a liking to him taught him how to play poker and how to double deal. The old gambler had two prominent front teeth and elongated ears. Everyone called him Rabbit. Ezra never learned his real name.

Ezra found the atmosphere of the gambling halls and taverns to be exhilarating. The raw masculinity of these establishments was seductive. The halls were filled with big, strong men who tugged on cigars and swilled down whiskey. Somehow Ezra felt welcome and at home.

Rabbit also taught Ezra Three Card Monte. Learning to palm cards was a useful skill. When Ezra was short of cash he could go down to the street corner in the seedy part of town and make money off all sorts of people who were convinced they could find the queen of hearts amongst three rapidly interchanging cards. They never did. Unless he wanted them to. Ezra liked having that ability. If people were so trusting how was it his fault? They should wise up like he did.

Many times he had helped his mother in her little schemes and confidence games. Only now, he understood what he was doing. He had contempt for the suckers. He didn't dream about being someone else anymore. It was enough to be wise to the game and know it all.

When Ezra was fifteen he lost his virginity. It wasn't much use to him anyway he reasoned. And the soldier gave him five dollars for it. There was pain but it wasn't bad. All in all Ezra found it to be most profitable, if rather distasteful. The man drooled on his back and it seemed to take forever. Ezra didn't really want to do it again.

The War Between the States ended not long afterwards. The south was destroyed, the slaves were free, and President Lincoln was assassinated. Ezra followed his mother up north. They decided to con a bunch of Yankees out of all the blood money they had earned off the suffering of the south. He was good at what he did. Almost as good as his mother. He still preferred cards. Although he had to admit that Lady Luck was less reliable than swindling gullible Yankees.

When Ezra was twenty-two he had a lover. His name was Charles Rand. He was a gambling man just like Ezra. He had a fondness for expensive imported European chocolates and rotgut whiskey. He was a handsome man with a vicious temper. He had a dueling scar that trailed thinly across his left cheek to attest to that fact. Charles had taken a shine to Ezra. He told Ezra that they could have a fine life of gambling and luxury down in New Orleans. Ezra's mother warned him not to go.

Ezra railed at his mother. She had lost any right she might have ever had to tell him what to do. She was hardly ever around while he was growing up. What gave her the right to tell him how to live his life? That's what he told her and a lot more about his unhappy childhood. His mother didn't say anything as he left.

Charles lavished Ezra with passion and with gifts. Ezra felt he had recaptured the excitement of his youth. It was like living in one of his childhood fantasies. Their time was spent on gambling, drinking and lovemaking. Ezra thought he was happy. That's how it was in the beginning.

Their nights were often spent in the French Quarter visiting every saloon and brothel, wending their way through Canal and Rampart, Basin and Bourbon Streets. Ezra liked the prostitutes. They dripped with indolence and raw sexuality. They were hardened and tough as nails. Ezra felt at home with them. Charles developed a taste for absinthe and mounted a fortune in gambling debts.

The affair ended badly. Charles would often return to their rooms drunk and belligerent. At those times he was spoiling for a fight. On a few occasions their arguments turned violent. Ezra stayed as long as he could. Swallowing his pride was difficult. When he returned to Chicago his mother gently reminded him, "I told you so." Ezra moved out west.

When Ezra was twenty-five, looking for adventure, he agreed to join up with six men to protect an Indian village. Against all odds, they succeeded. He ended up taking a job as a lawman with these six other men. His mother didn't approve. He didn't care. He still loved her. But he didn't care. One of the men had skin the color of fine polished dark wood. He sported a smile that brightened his face with perfect white teeth. His name was Nathan and he used to be a slave. Now he liked to heal people. And help them.

Ezra thought they couldn't be friends. But somehow they were. Somehow he made friends with all of his associates. He felt unfamiliar feelings stirring in his breast. He began helping other people. He didn't always have contempt for the suckers anymore. He thought maybe it would be possible to become a man that he would like.

That was when Ezra fell in love. He took pleasure in Nathan's bright smile and the way it illuminated his handsome face. He liked talking with Nathan about the sweet Magnolia scent of the south and the lip smacking joy of a fresh Georgia peach. He even enjoyed it when Nathan began to scold him. In fact Ezra took a secret pleasure in teasing him. For some reason Nathan always rose to the bait. Ezra had to fight down the desire to laugh at his friend's solemn character. Ezra began to think about what the rest of their lives might be like. He imagined having one great friend to share his life with. He thought about buying some property and staying on.

He began to dream again.


End file.
